New Year New Goals

I’ve never been a fan of New Year resolutions. In fact, I’m pretty ba-hum-bug about most things we’re supposed to like as a culture. With that said… I’m trying to step outside of my comfort zone this year, become more intentional about being the person I know I can be, and stop allowing my scared wounded inner child to continually take the wheel of my life.

On paper, there are so many things I could point to and say, “see! I’m doing it. I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone.” But the truth is, I’m playing it safe. I’ve been playing it safe. Once I knew I wanted to stop playing it safe, my wounded self took the wheel, and I resorted back to my old negative coping behaviors and gained an embarrassing amount of weight. And I know I did this as a subconscious form of self-sabotage to keep myself “small.” Which is ironic since I am now large and take up more physical space. But when I am this way, I do everything I can to avoid being social or being seen because I’m embarrassed about how I look. I don’t like to be seen like this.

I’ve been working at a residential treatment facility that specializes in eating disorders for women. I did not choose to work with this specialty. When I applied, I was super open and told them to place me wherever I was needed, and this is where I landed. I feel like it’s been a gift from the universe. Especially since I, too, struggle with disordered eating at times. Food has been my number one companion since I was little. Food and I go way back. I know I subconsciously used food when I was young to protect myself, to make a barrier between myself and the outside world.

Well, I’m currently at the heaviest I have been in my adult life. The heaviest I’ve ever been was when I reached my current weight when I was 15. When my perpetrator was sentenced to prison, I joined weight watchers and lost 75 lbs as I did not want him to control me anymore. And that was the beginning of my ongoing weight-focused journey. I have been yo-yo-ing my entire life, but always maintaining between 160-180lbs. The lowest I ever got was in the early 150s, and I am currently 215 lbs. There are many things I could point to as to “why,” but when you cut down to the truth, I became afraid of my potential and started self-sabotaging and eating to self-soothe my fears. Eating helped me to “feel the fear and do it anyways” in regard to continuing my school work and participating in my internship. I also know that a part of this weight gain has to do with the fact that I wanted to start facing my wounded sexual self, and the moment I put that into my awareness was when I started to gain weight. So I know there is a deep connection between my sexual self and self-soothing eating. Having the pandemic shut down my favorite gym and being in school, then grad school, have been a factor in my weight gain.

I feel like the universe has gifted me an opportunity to be with myself at my heaviest to see if I could love myself even in my heavy body. Being on this weight loss journey my entire life, I can tell you that every time I have lost weight in the past, it has been with a berating inner drill sergeant telling me how disgusting I am. This time, my goal is to be able to lose weight with a loving inner coach telling me that I am doing this as an act of love and respect for my body. It’s not about looking a certain way. It’s about feeling a certain way. I miss the freedom I felt in my body when I trusted it and knew I could push myself to accomplish any physical feat. I definitely don’t feel that freedom now, which is what I am searching for.

So all of this to say… I don’t want to put in a New Year's Resolution, but I have a goal for 2023. And my goal is to start bringing myself into alignment with my highest self. To start walking the talk. Stop making excuses as to why I can’t do something, take a breath, and do it anyways. I know what to do. I need to do it. So here is my proclamation to the world that I am serious about doing this shit. And if you want to join me, I would be honored. Thank you for being here and for reading my words. My wish is for you to have one of the best years of your life by bringing intentionality and presence to your journey.

Much love. Let’s do this.